The inner child
by soul-wanderer94
Summary: "Your memory is a monster; you forget—it doesn't. It simply files things away. It keeps things for you, or hides things from you—and summons them to your recall with will of its own. You think you have a memory; but it has you!" - What happens when an incident at work causes to react Ziva in the worst possible way and she starts fighting against her own friends?
1. Chapter 1

**So this is the first chapter of a new story and the second one will be uploaded straight after.  
This is a very personal story and pretty emotional that's why I will wait to see the reactions until I decide whether or not to write more.  
Please handle this story with care, because that's what I do.  
And now enjoy reading & share your thoughts with me!**

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_"__Your memory is a monster; you forget—it doesn't. It simply files things away. It keeps things for you, or hides things from you—and summons them to your recall with will of its own. You think you have a memory; but it has you!" - John Irving_

And all of the sudden everything spun out of control.  
All hell broke loose when Ziva started punching around, trying to wrestle her way out of Tony's and Gibbs arms who tried to hold her back from doing any further damage.  
She still tried to kick around while blood-curdling screams were filling the room.  
It seemed like nothing could bring her back and neither of them knew what caused this reaction.  
_  
"Hey Zi, let me clean your face a little. I still wonder why this always happens to us. I mean, being assaulted by a crazy guy while being surrounded by tons of dirt? Seriously? But hey, you still look pretty nice, you should've seen McDirt – he doesn't look as good as you with dirt all over his face."  
Tony moved the cloth towards Ziva's face to wipe away some of the dirt, but once he touched her cheek everything went downhill._

"Ziva! Calm down! It's just us. Nobody's going to hurt you. Please let go of DiNozzo's wrist." Gibbs words were barely reaching her ears through all her screaming but something inside of her told her to stop kicking around when Tony spoke up.  
"Ziva, you hurt me. Please, let go of me and we can let go of you. We don't want to hurt you." He winced when Ziva loosened her grip on his wrist, her nails not longer digging into his flesh.  
She didn't want to hurt him. She didn't even know what happened.  
They heard her whimpering when she sunk to the floor, her legs finally giving in after the fight.  
Tony slowly bent down to her level, cautious to not startle her again.  
"I think we should call the doc." Gibbs whispered and Tony nodded slightly in agreement.  
They really needed to get help, needed to find out where all of this came from.  
-

"She's sleeping now and I think it will help her finding her way back to the present." The doctor said once he was out of Ziva's room. He had injected her some muscle relaxant and came back to fill them in on her state.  
"Can you say what caused this reaction? I mean, yes, she has been in a fight earlier, but she's tough after all and I don't think she ever reacted like _this_." Tony's voice was clearly laced with concern for his partner.  
"Well, to this point we can't be sure. Miss David hasn't been my patient for long, but I think some therapy sessions might help getting an insight into her life and past. Maybe something triggered her. Stress situations can be a trigger, but we have to see if she's willing to talk about it." He took a deep breath before saying the next words.

"At first we have to find out if she's aware of her actions though."  
Now both agents were looking at the doctor in front of them, trying to make sense of his words.  
"What do you mean by 'if she's aware of them'? Do you think it's possible that she isn't?"  
Tony's eyes looked up in bewilderment.  
"To be honest, yes. There are several cases where patients aren't aware of their reactions, but the reasons vary from case to case. I think first of all she needs someone she can trust and someone who will stay with her throughout the next days."  
"Got it doc. Thanks." Tony nodded towards the doctor while running a hand through his hair as a sign of desperation.

"What does all of this mean boss?" His voice came out in barely above a whisper by now.  
"It means you better take good care of our Ziva, Tony."  
Gibbs didn't wait for Tony's confirmation before he left to get another coffee, leaving behind a very unsettled Tony. Leaving him alone to his thoughts. And yes, his mind was racing. Again.


	2. Chapter 2

**Here's the promised second chapter. And don't worry, in case this story continues (depends on your reviews) the future chapters will be longer as some of you may already know. I just want to test the water (is that right?).  
Just let me know what you think. Also: If you have any questions about the subject I chose don't hesitate to ask. It's actually too long for an A/N.**

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_We suffer primarily not from our vices or our weaknesses, but from our illusions. We are haunted, not by reality, but by those images we have put in their place. - Daniel J. Boorstin_

The doctors had given Tony strict orders and told him to bring Ziva in twice a week for therapy sessions.  
They had also warned him to be prepared for further attacks from Ziva since they still didn't know the reason behind them.  
At first he wasn't sure if he could handle the situation on his own, but Gibbs had told him that he could always call when things got too much.  
When Ziva was discharged she was a ghost of herself and only shivered slightly when Tony gently supported her while leaving the hospital.  
They gladly got away with a few bruises and scratches, but whatever was going on inside of her seemed so much worse.  
He kept an eye on her on their entire ride home and the emptiness and absence in her eyes was already haunting him.  
How could such a rather small incident affect her that much? It was something he just couldn't comprehend.

Finally being home again he gently ushered her towards the couch, knowing it would be safer since he could keep an eye on her when she was in the same room.  
He bent down on her level before softly speaking up.  
"Hey Zi, should I make you some tea?" For the first time since they left the hospital she actually responded to his question and seemed to be back in reality.  
"Yeah, that would be nice." With that he was off to the kitchen to prepare some tea and think about the situation.  
He knew that the medicaments were still working and that she would get better soon, but it nevertheless scared him a little. He was afraid of what would come once she remembered what happened.

As if on cue Ziva spoke up in the living room.  
"Tony?" He was by her side within seconds, not wanting to miss a chance to talk to her.  
"What happened?" She asked and it made one of his fears come true. She didn't remember.  
"I tried to clean your face and you started to fight me off. I'm sorry I startled you." He didn't quite know what he was sorry for, but it just felt right to apologize.  
"It is me who is sorry Tony." She seemed so small and fragile all of a sudden, her voice sounding like the one of a rueful child.  
"Don't think this is your fault, ok? First of all you need to rest and we can talk about everything else later." Tony now stated, the tea long forgotten.  
"Ok." She mumbled and he quickly covered her with a blanket and closed the curtains a little since it was still early in the afternoon.

She was soon curled up into a small and Tony couldn't help but watch her sleeping because she seemed so much more peaceful.  
The illusion however only lasted about an hour before a nightmare began haunting her.  
Tony felt so lost, not knowing how to react. He knew he had to wake her but at the same time it would mean he had to touch her and he would have to deal with the consequences.  
He tried to be as gentle as possible, but she nevertheless went into fight mode again.  
"No! Don't hurt me again. Please don't." She almost screamed in a pleading tone while she hit his arms over and over again.

"Wake up Ziva. It's me, Tony. Nobody's going to hurt you. Do you hear me?" He told her firmly, hoping she would stop fighting soon.  
Several moments later he felt the power draining from her and her body going limp again.  
Tears were trickling down her cheeks and he carefully ushered her into his embrace.  
She quickly curled up again, seeking comfort in his arms once she realized she was safe with him.  
Tony rocked back and forth with Ziva still in his arms, knowing that whatever she must've dreamed was still haunting her.

He also knew that she wasn't able to voice her fears and even though the thought hurt him he knew he had to give her the time she needed.  
"Shh, shhh, shhh, it's going to be ok Ziva. Just relax." Tony continued whispering sweet little nothings into her ear until she fell asleep again and didn't move once, because he knew she would have nightmares again once he was gone.

He didn't know how long they had been sitting like this, but eventually sleep took over him as well, hopefully bringing him the well-needed energy he would need for the upcoming days.


	3. Chapter 3

**Ok, first of all I want to clarify some things (sorry for the confusion). This story is definitely set before Somalia but does not depend on a specific time.  
About the story in general: Don't worry, it's meant to be a little "secretive" and you will find out about everything soon enough. There will be some more movement in the next chapters!  
And now enjoy reading & maybe you could take some time to review as well!**

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_"__For in every adult there dwells the child that was, and in every child there lies the adult that will be." ― John Connolly_

The sun was long gone when Ziva woke up again, finding herself still laying in Tony's arms who hadn't moved once since she fell asleep.  
Guilt immediately washed over her as she realized that his back would be killing him once he was awake as well.

As if on cue Tony started to stir and looked straight into her sleepy eyes.  
"Hey." He quietly spoke up. "Did you rest a little?" His hair was slightly ruffled and he shot her a small smile.  
"Yeah. Listen, I'm sorry that you had to lay on the couch. I didn't mean to" She started but was soon interrupted by Tony.

"It's ok Zi, really. I'm just glad you relaxed a little." And that he was.  
He didn't know how much sleep they would get throughout the next days and weeks that's why he appreciated every calm minute before the next storm would come up.

Once he was fully awake he sauntered towards the kitchen to finally make the tea he had promised her earlier.  
A few minutes later he came back with a steaming cup of tea for her and a coffee for himself and sat down next to her again.  
Ziva brought out a small 'thank you' and was soon lost in her thoughts again while absentmindedly sipping on her tea.

"Listen Zi, I want you to know that I'm not going to pressure you into anything, but please know that I'm here to listen and help you. And so are the others. You don't have to go through this on your own." Tony tried to reassure her, not quite knowing if she was really listening to him.

"You don't understand it." She now looked at Tony, her voice giving away some sort of seriousness and he could feel that something was off. He was afraid that she shut down on him again, or worse that something he had said or done had triggered her.  
"But I want to Ziva, please talk to me." His reply came out pleading and desperate.  
By now her eyes were staring into the depths of the room and he could almost feel that he was losing her once more.  
"You don't understand, Tony." She emphasized every single word and was now yelling at Tony.

"_You don't understand anything." She was yelling at him, trying hard to hold back the upcoming tears. She couldn't allow herself to show any weakness now. He wouldn't like it.  
Why didn't he understand her? Why did he never listen to her?  
"I don't care Ziva. Next time you make a mistake you better prepare yourself for the consequences." And with that she felt his hand grazing her cheek, leaving her behind with a quickly reddening and swelling face.  
It wasn't the first time he had laid a hand on her and she was sure it wasn't the last time.  
Next time she would do better. Next time she wouldn't disappoint him._

Fear crossed Tony's features as he realized that Ziva was caught in a memory.  
Her body was trembling and her eyes were squeezed shut in pain as she repeatedly whispered apologies to someone in her memory.  
"It's not your fault Ziva, do you hear me? None of this was or is your fault." He had to try a shot in the dark hoping it would help her hearing his voice.

All of a sudden she snapped out of her flashback and immediately tried to regain her composure much to his dismay.  
Now that her façade was back up she looked at Tony before sternly speaking up.  
"I think I will go to bed now. It was a long day." Ziva took a deep breath. "Thank you for the tea." She quietly added her features finally softening again and with that she was gone, walking down the hall to her bedroom.  
Tony sighed deeply, running his hands through his hair, wondering where this would take them.  
This side of Ziva definitely scared him, and there was no way he could deny it.


	4. Chapter 4

**So here's a new chapter since I'm still figuring out how to proceed with my other story.  
This chapter turned out to be different than expected, but I'm content with it's outcome.  
Also: I love quotes and love that I finally get the chance to use them again and I put much thoughts into picking them!  
Now enjoy reading and please review (:**

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"_Sometimes I'm so deeply buried under self-reproaches that I long for a word of comfort to help me dig myself out again._" ― Anne Frank

* * *

The next morning Tony awoke early from the buzzing phone on the coffee table next to him.  
A glance on the clock told him it was only 6:30 and the caller ID told him Gibbs was calling.  
"Yeah boss?" Tony mumbled, desperately trying to wake himself up a little more.  
"DiNozzo. How's Ziva doing?" Gibbs replied in a typical manner.  
"She's sleeping right now. The night was mostly quiet but she seemed to have a few flashbacks yesterday and didn't take it so well." He let out a deep sigh and ran his hands through his sleep ruffled hair.

"Is she talking?" Tony swallowed before replying.  
"Not really. I'm afraid she will shut us out again." Ziva's behavior really concerned him and he wondered where it would lead them.  
"Stay with her and make sure she talks about it." And before Tony got to reply Gibbs had already ended the call and Tony didn't even wonder about this anymore. It was Gibbs after all.

He slowly made his way to the kitchen to make himself some coffee when he heard the sound of the shower being turned on in the bathroom. Ziva must be awake as well and he decided to make her a cup of tea next to his coffee.

Half an hour later he was sipping on his last bit of coffee when he started to wonder why she was still under the shower. Her tea was already getting cold and when the worry kicked in as well he slowly made his way to the bathroom to check on her.  
He called her name several times, always waiting for a reply that never came.  
"Zi? I'm coming in now, ok?" And with that he slowly started to open the door to see what was going on inside.

The view he was greeted with was heartbreaking.  
Ziva sat in the corner of the shower, her knees drawn up and her face buried in them as the water was cascading down her bruised and fragile body.  
Tony quickly grabbed a fresh towel and walked towards her to turn off the water and drape the towel around her shaking body.  
He then nimbly lifted her out of the shower and cradled her into his lap not caring that his clothes would be soaking wet afterwards.

"Hey, what happened Zi? Had another flashback?" He wondered while continuously stroking her back to calm her down and warm her a little.  
She only vehemently shook her head and Tony wondered what else it could be.  
Pushing her wouldn't help the situation but he still wished she would talk to him.  
After a few more minutes she finally relaxed into his chest and started talking, even though her voice came out in barely above a whisper.  
"What is wrong with me?" Her voice cracked ever so slightly and it killed him to see her like that.

"Nothing is wrong with you Ziva. Don't even think like that. You just have been strong for a long time. Probably too long and you need to give yourself the time to fully heal."  
Some tears were trickling down her still wet cheeks as she tried to process his words.  
"But" Ziva started to protest but Tony immediately interrupted her.  
"There's not 'but' Ziva. I might not fully understand what is going on inside of you, but I'm sure you have been burying it for too long." Ziva took a shaky breath before looking deep into his eyes.

"There's so much you don't know Tony." She whispered and it came out so honest that it almost shocked him that she would admit something like that.  
"Then tell me." He pleaded whispering, his eyes now reflecting her pain.  
"Not yet, please." Her voice mirrored his and she shut her eyes closed for a brief moment to take a deep breath.

Tony noticed that she had started shivering and gently grabbed for another towel to dry her hair, careful to not startle her again.  
"Do you think you can get up and dress yourself? If you stay like this for longer you may get sick." He sounded worried even though he didn't really mind their current position.  
She simply nodded and hugged him briefly before getting up and wrapping the towel closer around her body.

"Alright, since the tea I made you is most likely cold by now I will make you a new one until you're finished in here." And with that he was gone, her promise still lingering in the air.  
She would eventually talk to him. Just not yet.


	5. Chapter 5

**Formating this story is a nightmare, but what wouldn't I do for you guys?  
Here's a new chapter and I think I might actually like it and hope you do the same.  
I'm a little busy these days but I try to update both stories frequently.  
The quote for this chapter is from a song for once because it seems so fitting.  
Now enjoy reading & tell me your thoughts *hint hint***

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"_Just close your eyes_  
_The sun is going down_  
_You'll be alright_  
_No one can hurt you now_  
_Come morning light_  
_You and I'll be safe and sound_"  
- Taylor Swift

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"_How many times did I tell you to not play by the water on your own?" He raised his voice and the two little girls startled at his anger.  
Her little sister had pleaded her to take her to the lake and at first Ziva was hesitant but she couldn't deny her the wish once her deep brown eyes were looking into hers.  
"Ok Tali, but we have to be careful, alright?" The little girl had nodded vehemently and took her sister's hand before starting to walk._

_She should've known that they would be in trouble once someone found out. And he always found out.  
"Sorry daddy, we didn't want to make you angry, please." Tali now pleaded fear ever so evident in her voice.  
She was only 4 years old at that time but the innocence in her eyes were long gone.  
He was about to raise his hand against Tali when Ziva started to scream hysterically.  
"No Abba, it was my fault. I took her to the lake. Don't hit her." She always wanted to protect her little sister. She wanted her to have a better childhood and knew that it helped if she blamed herself for everything.  
Now he turned towards her and before she could even react his strong hand connected with her small backside. Once, twice, until she lost count of the times and couldn't feel anything besides the burning sensation of her back. _

_When he was done he walked away without saying another word.  
Ziva held back her emotions but once the tiny arms of her sister were wrapped around her waist she couldn't help but cry a little.  
"I'm sorry Zi, so sorry." She whispered and continued hugging her.  
"Shh, it's ok Tali. I don't want him to hurt you too." She run her hand through the hair of her sister and waited until they both calmed down.  
"Let's go home, mummy will be waiting for us."  
- - - -_

__"Hey, what's on your mind?" Tony quietly asked her.  
It was late in the afternoon and a little rainy since the autumn always comes early.  
They were both sitting on the couch, Ziva was sipping on her cup of tea with a blanket wrapped around her. He had brought her one when he noticed that she was shivering slightly and had neatly tucked her in.  
Moments ago she seemed so content with the entire situation but something she had thought about must have unsettled her.  
"A lot." She whispered absentmindedly.

He gently scooted one arm around her waist to pull her closer so she could rest her head on his shoulders.  
She didn't hesitate and gratefully took in the warmth of his body.  
"I tried to protect her Tony. I really did." Ziva now took a shuddering breath and looked up at him with glassy eyes.  
"Who Ziva?" He asked, trying to not push her too hard.  
"Tali. She was my baby sister." A lone tear made it's way down her face but she quickly recomposed herself.  
"I know she was. And she will always be your sister." He reassured her, knowing that she still missed her a lot.

"I would" Ziva started but had to take another deep breath before continuing. "I would always tell him it was my fault so he wouldn't hurt her. But sometimes he did hurt her anyway." A painful expression now crossed her eyes and she closed them to process the flashback she already had so many times.  
Tony swallowed hard as he imagined what happened to her and her sister when they were younger.  
"Your father?" He had to know if she was really talking about him, even though he had always thought that this man was up to no good.

Ziva's nod was all he needed and he simply pulled her into a tight hug.  
"Oh Ziva, I'm so sorry you had to go through this. I'm sure you did your best to protect her, but one can only be strong for so long." He sensed there was more to it but decided that they should talk about this later.  
"I didn't want to see her suffer the way I did. But most of the time he wouldn't have any of it." Thinking about their childhood and what they went through still hurt. She had spent years remaining silent of what had happened to her, trying to bury it deep down so it couldn't hurt her anymore.  
But she was wrong believing it would stop hurting some day.

With Tony however she felt like she could finally let someone in and allow herself to heal.  
There was a lot she wasn't ready to talk about just yet, but she knew he wouldn't judge her and that was what she was looking for all those years.  
"You are so brave Ziva for fighting for yourself and your sister. I'm sure she would still be proud of you." Her sister had meant the world to her and he knew it and she was glad he understood her in times like this.

"What was she like, your sister?" He now gently squeezed her shoulder, trying to get her off those dark thoughts and he succeeded.  
Soon she was telling him everything about Tali and he gratefully listened, hoping it would bring a little peace to her.  
At least for now.


	6. Chapter 6

**This chapter turned out to be extraordinary long and took me two nights to write it since I was pretty emotional over it.  
However I hope you like this chapter since I have to admit I a struggled a little in the beginning.  
Your reviews always make me happy and with that I'm off again!**

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"_To love life, to love it even_

_when you have no stomach for it_

_and everything you've held dear_

_crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,_

_your throat filled with the silt of it._

_When grief sits with you, its tropical heat_

_thickening the air, heavy as water_

_more fit for gills than lungs;_

_when grief weights you like your own flesh_

_only more of it, an obesity of grief,_

_you think, How can a body withstand this?_

_Then you hold life like a face_

_between your palms, a plain face,_

_no charming smile, no violet eyes,_

_and you say, yes, I will take you_

_I will love you, again._"

― Ellen Bass

* * *

The evening came quick since they soon got lost in a conversation about Tali and other happy memories of Ziva's past. Tony had thrown in some of his memories every now and then to keep the mood light, hoping it would relax her a little.  
He was also the one who suggested watching a movie before bed to distract her for a while.  
She had gladly agreed and soon found herself curled up against his side seeking for comfort.  
Tony didn't comment on it though and simply pulled her a little closer while they got lost in the movie playing in front of them.  
When the end credits showed up on screen Ziva had already fallen asleep next to Tony and he decided to carefully carry her to her bedroom knowing that she couldn't stay like that throughout the entire night.

Once he had lifted up her body she immediately curled up against his chest again and let out a deep sigh but didn't wake up.  
It was a little difficult to shuffle the covers aside before lying her down but he somehow managed it and gently tucked her in before placing a small kiss on her forehead.

He was already about to leave when he heard her mumbling slightly.  
"Don't go." If he hadn't listened closely he could've easily overheard it and for a moment he was hesitant.  
It could be a bad idea to sleep in bed with her and he wasn't sure if she was aware of what she had just said since she was on the edge of sleep.  
"Tony" She now whimpered slightly and the sound washed away any concerns he had only moments ago.  
He quietly got out of his jeans and slipped in next to her, careful to keep some distance between them just to be safe.  
"I'm here Zi, don't worry. Go back to sleep." With that he rolled onto his side and faced her backside wondering if she was already asleep again.  
Apparently he was wrong when he noticed her shuffling closer to him and pressing her back into his chest.  
For a moment he stopped breathing and waited until she adjusted to their new position. It was only then that he carefully wrapped his arm around her waist and allowed himself to fall asleep as well.

Throughout the night she repeatedly whimpered in her sleep but never woke up and Tony tried his best to comfort her when he noticed that she had another nightmare.  
He knew waking her up wouldn't help since she would probably start fighting him off and wouldn't be able to find her way back into reality.

When the alarm went off they were both not quite well rested but knew they had to get up since Ziva had an appointment with her therapist at 8 am.  
They quietly got ready for the day, neither of them addressing the last night or the upcoming appointment.  
He knew she wasn't too keen on having to see the therapist but he also knew that it was important for her recovery.  
She had agreed that he would drive her and was glad that she didn't have to concentrate on the road.

They entered the office in silence, neither of them sure how to handle the situation. Tony could tell she was nervous and tried to calm her down before the therapist would call her in.  
"Hey, it's alright Ziva. I will wait for you and if anything happens I'm here, ok?" He tried to reassure her and she nodded shyly.

"Miss David?" A woman entered the waiting room and looked at Tony and Ziva.  
"Yes?" Ziva replied hesitantly.  
"I'm Emily Parker, your therapist. Would you like to come with me?" She smiled at her and waited until Ziva got up.  
Tony reassuringly squeezed her hand one more time and with that she was gone and he hoped that everything would went well.

His prayers however seemed to remain unheard and about half an hour later re-entered the waiting room and went straight towards him.  
"Tony? I think Ziva needs you. She is devastated right now and the only thing she said was your name." Worry crossed her face and Tony immediately jumped up and went down the hall to Ziva.  
She was curled up on a chair and her body was violently trembling while she couldn't stop sobbing and crying.

He quickly crossed the small room and hunched down next to her and quietly spoke up.  
"Ziva? Zi, it's me, please don't be scared. I'm going to touch you now, alright?" He was still afraid that she would start fighting him off again like she did back then, but he nevertheless tried to carefully lift her out of the chair to pull her onto his lap and into his embrace.  
Seemingly soothed by his voice she didn't struggle against his touch and remained curled up while he started rocking back and forth to calm her down.

When the sobbing slightly subsided he spoke up again. "What happened Ziva?" His voice came out in barely above a whisper and Ziva vehemently shook her head as if trying to wash away the memories.  
"Hey, you can trust me Zi. Just let it out." was now looking at him and nodding, silently telling him that he was doing the right thing.

"Can tell me what you two talked about?" Tony sensed that she wasn't quite able to talk right now but hoped that someone would enlighten him a little.  
Now she was finally nodding and Tony shot a questioningly look at Ziva's therapist who now sat down across from them.

"We were talking about the relationship with her father and the time she was held captive. She was just telling me about her father's involvement in all of this. We didn't get to talk about the details though, before…" She now trailed off and Tony was already focusing on Ziva again.

"Hey, listen to me Zi. None of this was your fault. We should have never left you behind in Israel. But your father can't hurt you anymore and I'm sorry that I didn't sense anything earlier." His hands were now trailing up and down her back as he soothingly talked to her.  
Something he had said must've calmed Ziva because she was now taking a deep breath before looking up at him.

"Tony?" now spoke up again. He looked in her direction and gave her a sign to continue talking.  
"It seems like you know Ziva pretty well and I wondered if it would be ok if you come in with her when she has her next appointment? Only if it's ok for the both of you though, but I think it could help a lot." She now questioningly looked at the both of them, giving them some time to consider the option.

"What do you think? Would that be ok for you?" Tony asked her seriously and hoped she wouldn't feel pressured.  
"I think that would be good. But you don't have to do this Tony." A few tears made it's way down her cheek again and Tony quickly wiped them away.  
"There's nothing I wouldn't do for you Ziva. I just want you to feel better." It was a recurring subject in their rather complicated relationship and he would reassure her over and over again that he would be there for her, hoping that maybe one day she wouldn't question it anymore.

"I take it you both agree on the idea?" The two of them simply nodded.  
"Well then I would say we end this session a little earlier and you come back in two days at the same time, alright?" Now Ziva was the one who nodded in reply.

"And Ziva? Rest a little. I know that these sessions can be quite exhausting, so take it easy." With that she released the two of them and they both went out of the office in silence.  
This morning had showed them that there was a lot of work ahead, but it also showed Tony that she trusted him after all.  
It was a good sign and enough for both of them to still have hope.

* * *

**Recovery is a tough thing, I've been and still go through it myself and I treat it as respectful as possible and you can always tell me if something is bothering you!**


	7. Chapter 7

**I wrote this chapter because today was a rather devastating day and I didn't feel like updating my other story (sorry for that).  
Writing helps me to cope with my feelings and even though it's hard to find the words for the latest events I still find the words for my stories.  
This chapter also turned out to be longer than expected since I always get lost while writing flashbacks.  
Today some kind/nice reviews would really make me smile, but you can of course also tell me when something is bothering you!  
And now enjoy reading!**

* * *

"_Because the past was always around her and might return at any time. It prowled the world searching for her, and she knew it was growing angrier at every passing day."_

― Nicholas Sparks

* * *

Back in the car Tony had an idea.  
"Hey Zi? How about we take a walk at the park? I think some fresh air would be good for us."  
Ziva had remained rather quiet throughout their walk to the car and was now looking up at Tony and slightly nodding at him.  
"Yeah, I think that would be nice." She whispered and glanced at the colourful trees outside the car window.

Autumn came quick, as usual, and it was the perfect weather to be outside even though it was already a little chilly around this time.  
They quietly drove to the nearby park and slowly started wandering down the paths looking at all the colours around them.  
Ziva took a deep breath to inhale the fresh air as if it would help clearing her clouded mind.  
"This was really a good idea of you Tony." He now smiled at her seeing that her features visibly softened while they continued sauntering around.

"I think we should find a place to eat something. It's almost lunchtime." He stated but Ziva seemed rather displeased at the thought.  
"I'm not really hungry." She hesitantly replied, knowing that Tony wouldn't like hearing that.  
She hadn't really eaten properly since they arrived home and it clearly concerned him.  
"You have to eat something Zi. At least a little, ok?" The pleading look in his eyes were something she could barely argue with and so she agreed on his plan.

They soon found a small café near the park and when they had found a nice table to sit on Tony immediately started studying the menu while Ziva wasn't quite sure what she wanted to eat.  
When the waitress arrived Ziva still hadn't decided on a meal and so Tony decided on ordering for her.

"We would like to have one ham and cheese sandwich and one Italian sandwich please." He told her.  
"Sure. Anything to drink as well?" The waitress offered him a warm smile while quickly noting his orders.  
"Yes, a water and a green tea please." He returned the smile and turned back towards Ziva as soon as the waitress had disappeared to get their orders.

"Problem solved." He shot her a smile as well as he saw that she was clearly surprised by his actions.  
"Hey, that way you can have have some of both sandwiches and I since I know you like tea…" He now trailed off.  
"Thank you Tony. I will try to eat a little." She shyly looked down at her hands.  
"That's what I wanted to hear sweet cheeks." Relief washed over him as he heard that she was willing to at least try eating a little.

The food and their drinks arrived only minutes later and Tony arranged their plates so she had one piece of each sandwich and hungrily began to eat his pieces.  
Ziva on the other hand ate almost hesitantly but Tony didn't comment on it and they silently finished their lunch.

On their way back they passed a playground where some younger children were playing and giggles filled the air.  
Ziva stopped dead in her tracks and Tony wondered why she stopped walking when he saw the familiar look of absence crossing her face.  
He chose not to interrupt her memories or flashbacks this time but was wary in case they got out of hand.

* * *

_"__Look Zi. Look what I can do." The sound of cheerful giggles filled Ziva's ears as she turned around just in time to see Tali on top of the monkey bars.  
It was actually the first time she managed to get there on her own and Ziva couldn't help but rush to her side in case she needed help to climb down again._

_"__That's great Tali, but take care, it's dangerous up there." She had learned to take care of her only 3 ½ year old sister long time ago and was constantly concerned for her safety.  
Of course the task of climbing down again was too difficult for her and she soon got stuck on her way down.  
"Zi, help me, 'm stuck." She now whimpered slightly, afraid of falling down.  
"Hold on there, I will come to you." Ziva nimbly started to climb onto the monkey bars as well watching her sister struggling to change her position._

_She should've known that her sister couldn't keep still in one place and so the disaster happened before Ziva could get hold of her.  
Tali tumbled down towards the ground and let out a fearful scream before the fall came to an end.  
Ziva quickly rushed to her side to see her little sister already crying, but as soon as she had examined her closer she was glad to see that it was mostly the shock that had made her cry._

_However there was now a rather large scratch on her forehead and even though it didn't seem to be a deep cut it still bled slightly.  
She gently cradled her sister into her lap and started soothing her.  
"Does your head hurt Tali?" Ziva whispered into her ear. Even though she was still rather young herself she knew how to calm down her little sister.  
"A little, here." Tali now pointed at the spot where the scratch was.  
"Let us get you home so we can wash it and put a band-aid on it, alright?" Slightly tousling her hair always seemed to help and with that they went off to go home._

_Standing in front of their door fear crept up in both of them.  
"Zi? What will daddy say?" Her voice was oh so small all of a sudden and Ziva wished it wouldn't be this way.  
"I don't know, but don't worry, I will protect you. Always." She planted a reassuring kiss on her sister's cheek.  
Holding onto each other's hand they both entered the house and started looking around if someone was at home. _

_Ziva quickly made her way over to the bathroom while Tali followed her lead.  
They weren't fast enough though because their father appeared in the doorway as soon as they got into the room.  
"What have you two been up to again?" He now demanded to know as both of them looked at him with wide eyes.  
"Tali fell off the monkey bars. I tried to help her down, but…" Ziva couldn't finish her explanation as her father had already seen the scratch on Tali's forehead._

_"__I thought I told you to take care of your sister Ziva. Do you see now why I told you this?" She guiltily nodded in reply and knew what was coming next.  
"Tali, let your mother take care of this. Ziva, you come with me." His tone was harsh and Ziva almost choked on her fear.  
She obediently followed him down the hall towards her bedroom, hoping he wouldn't be too hard on her._

_When Tali walked into their bedroom few minutes later she saw Ziva stiffly lying on her bed as tiny sobs escaped her lips.  
She quickly crossed the room and curled up next to her sister while looping one of her tiny arms around her sister as good as possible.  
"I'm sorry Ziva, so sorry." She now cried a little as well._

_It was always the same when Ziva was being punished. Once their father was done spanking her Tali would come to comfort her and say sorry for something that wasn't her fault. It was just what they did, always hoping it would help and would bring some peace into their lives._

* * *

Ziva was still staring into the air several minutes later and Tony began to worry about her.  
"Zi? Is everything ok?" He gently placed a hand on her shoulder trying to get her out of her flashback.  
As soon as she realized where she was Tony was met with watery eyes and he couldn't help but pull her into a gentle hug.

"Aren't playgrounds supposed to be places where children can be carefree and happy?" Her voice was muffled by his jacket but he nevertheless understood what she had said and wondered which memories she had about playgrounds. It couldn't be a fond memory he thought.

"You are right, they are." He quietly agreed and hoped the demons of the past would soon leave her again.  
"Do you want to talk about it?" Tony slightly pulled back to look into her eyes again.  
"Maybe when we're home." She whispered in reply and Tony nodded, glad that she was willing to talk about whatever was plaguing her.  
At the same time there was one thing he kept asking himself: Would the past always catch up on her anew?


	8. Chapter 8

**Here's finally a new chapter for this story & I have to admit that this rather small chapter took me an eternity to write, it was almost painful.  
However, enjoy reading & please review!**

* * *

"_I'm sorry to burden you,' she said. She felt like a crybaby._

_'What can we do with our stories,' he said, 'but tell them?_"

― Sena Jeter Naslund

* * *

The following day had started out a little more relaxed, but only after a particular restless night.  
Not until Tony would sleep next to her to protect her from her nightmares Ziva would be able to calm down a little.

Of course the day had stirred up some rather unpleasing memories but they nevertheless somehow made it through the night.

The good thing was that Ziva had been able to talk about the flashback she had when they had passed the playground that day and with every bit she had told him he had started hating this man she had called her father for so many years even more.

Now they were currently sitting in front of the couch while having lunch and watching another movie.  
They had decided that a slow day would help them both relax a little before the next therapy session tomorrow.  
Ziva however seemed a little absent throughout the entire movie and didn't really listen to Tony's rambling about it.

After lunch she had suddenly jumped up, excused herself and went to the nearby bathroom.  
She didn't return any time soon though and he slowly began to worry about her and that's when he stood up to check on her.

As soon as he stood in front of the bathroom door he could hear a retching sound coming from the inside and he immediately began to worry even more.  
"Zi? Is everything ok?" He softly spoke up. "Can I come in?" No answer.  
He knocked a few more times and then carefully opened the door without her affirmation.

She was still hunched over the toilet, desperately trying to compose herself as she recognized him entering the room but miserably failed in hiding her emotions.  
"Hey, what is going on Zi?" He now bent down to her level but when he tried to soothe her by stroking her back she jerked away from his touch and shot him an angry glare.  
"Do not touch me." She hissed through gritted teeth.

It came unexpected and didn't fit into the picture in front of him. Her eyes were glassy and he could tell she was in pain but she had still rejected him.  
Something inside of him told him that he should respect her wish and at the same time his urge to comfort her was greater.

When he approached her she was already cowering against the side of the bathtub and started violently scratching his arms in order to keep him away from her.  
It took him several attempts to make her stop and calm down and when she finally stopped attacking him her body was limply resting against his chest.

"It's alright Zi, I won't hurt you." He soothingly ran his fingers up and down her arm while whispering into her ear.  
Tiny sobs escaped her lips as she cuddled up closer against him.

"What happened?" He wanted to know what was going on inside of her, hoping she could give him an answer.  
"I, I…" She was barely able to talk in between her sobs and that was when he gently lifted her up and went back into the living room to get them seated on the couch where they could talk properly.

"I am sorry Tony." She whispered in between her shaking breaths.  
Tony silently gestured her to come closer and when he did he protectively wrapped an arm around her before speaking up again.  
"Don't be sorry Ziva, I know it wasn't your fault. I would just like to…understand things." He let out a heavy sigh knowing that there was a lot he didn't understand just yet.  
"It's not that simple, I, I…barely understand myself at the moment." Her hoarse voice gave away just how vulnerable she was at the moment.

"Why did you" Tony had to gather his thoughts and contemplate how to continue before voicing his question. "Why did you throw up?" By now he was intently looking into her eyes as if they would provide him with the truth.  
"I do not know. Sometimes everything just becomes…too much." A few tears were making their way down her cheeks and Tony carefully brushed them away with one of his thumbs.  
"I understand you Zi, but you can't keep destroying yourself like that. Please." He was pleading her, knowing her behaviour would ruin her in no time.

"Let's talk about this with tomorrow, alright?" He suggested as she didn't answer him and was looking down instead.  
Ziva was hesitant at first, not wanting to talk about what he had just witnessed, but she also knew he cared for her and wanted her to get better, and that was when she eventually agreed.  
"Ok. But can we please not talk about it anymore today?" She asked quietly and he couldn't reject her request, knowing they would talk about it tomorrow.

"Well, how about another movie then? You get to choose." He smirked at her in an attempt to lighten the mood between them.  
"I think I would like that." A small smile now appeared on her lips and as soon as they had decided on a movie and Tony had put it into the player she shuffled closer again, soaking in the warmth that was radiating off his body.

Feeling safe in his embrace she leaned her head onto his shoulder and tucked up her legs and was finally able to relax which didn't go unnoticed by Tony.  
He felt how the tension slowly but surely left her body and was glad that they would probably have a calm afternoon and when he allowed himself to forget about the circumstances for a moment it almost felt like one of their traditional movie nights.  
And really, that was what both of them needed the most; a little bit of normality.

* * *

**Once again I feel the need to say that some of these events are based on real stories which means it's not unrealistic.  
I'm aware that this is a heavy subject & it takes some time to take away the fog.  
I will try to write some lighter chapters soon and in case you have any ideas just let me know about them, alright?**


	9. Chapter 9

**Ok, so I struggled a lot with this chapter because there was on one hand Ziva with her emotions and then the therapeutic point of view on the other hand.  
I nevertheless hope you like this chapter and I have to say that we're taking this one step at a time, alright?**

* * *

"_I'm sure you were mistaken," Yaicha says to her brush._

_My ears pin back -_

_"MISTAKEN?_

_I know who Angie is, Yaicha._

_I know who our father is, Yaicha._

_He hurts people, he hurts you, you never do anything!" My claws scrape the wall paint._

_She turns with soft rabbit eyes. "He'll kill me."_

_"He's already doing that!"_

_I am growling, grabbing her sleeve, "Every day, every day he rips you open,_

_chips off pieces week by week, till a few years from now you are not even a mouthful of sawdust._

_A drawn-out killing._

_Well, I'm tired of all of us doing nothing. He has to be stopped."_

_Yaicha's eyes have flinched a few times but soften again. "Nobody can stop him."_

_My teeth show._

_"Nobody can stop him? Good._

_To him I have always been_

_Nobody._"

― Thalia Chaltas

* * *

"How are you feeling today, Ziva?" This time both Ziva and Tony sat in Dr. Parkers office after a rather restless night.  
"I feel…exhausted." Ziva replied reluctant and slightly turned her head to look at Tony.  
Dr. Parker noticed that there was more to it and dug deeper.  
"Is there a specific reason for it? Did anything happen in the past two days?" Her voice was inquiring but nevertheless it didn't lack empathy and contained a warm tone.  
Ziva however suddenly found herself unable to answer the question and looked down at her hands instead.

Only seconds later Tony tenderly cradled one of her hands in his and squeezed it reassuringly.  
At this she looked up at him again at which her eyes gave away a pleading look.  
"Actually yes." He now spoke up and began telling Dr. Parker about the past two days.  
"She had some flashbacks and it seemingly became too much for her that's why she" He had to take a deep breath before continuing. "She threw up yesterday around lunchtime." A look of uncertainty crossed his face and he waited for an answer from Dr. Parker.

"Does this happen a lot?" By now she was concentrating on Ziva again even though she knew that it was a rather unpleasant subject for her to talk about.  
"Sometimes." Ziva finally started talking. "I do not understand why I do this. It just…happens." Her expression was mirroring insecurity and her therapist did her best to soothe her.

"I know that this is hard to understand Ziva, but it's nothing unusual after all you've been through. Can you tell me how you feel before you have the urge to throw up?" She knew it was important for her to talk about her feelings and so she brought herself to start telling her about what was going on inside of her even though she barely understood it herself.

"Sometimes I remember things about my sister and how I tried to protect her and then I feel so helpless." Her voice began to break away the more she told them about her past.  
"I tried to protect her, but it was never enough. I…was never enough." By now silent tears streamed down her cheeks and steadily fell down onto her neckline.

It was difficult for Tony to see her like this and in an attempt to comfort her he gently ushered her towards him and pulled her into a tight hug.  
He sensed that she was inwardly falling apart and hoped that his steady arms around her fragile form could somehow make her whole again.

After a few moments her breathing started evening out again and she slowly went to sit down again before wiping away the last trails of tears from her face.  
"I guess your father was abusive when it came to you and your sister?" Dr. Parker waited for her to confirm or deny it and when Ziva nodded slightly continued speaking.

"Listen to me Ziva. Nobody could demand from you to be able to protect your sister. You were still a child yourself and whatever your father did to you, both of you, wasn't your fault, you need to understand that." She now tried to assure her, hoping she would take it to heart.  
"She was just so innocent. I wanted her to be able to keep that innocence but some day…the light in her eyes was gone. Simply gone." Ziva started to drift off again as her mind brought up pictures of Tali and how she had looked at her one day. Sad, and somehow also empty.

"Sometimes we aren't able to prevent things and I think it's important to find closure in all of this even though it means that there is still a lot to talk about." Again Ziva nodded and began fidgeting with her fingers in order to remain calm.

"Now I want you to do something Ziva. Whenever you feel the urge to throw up, whenever something overwhelms you I want you to try to find something else to do instead. Do something that calms you and relaxes you. Something that occupies your mind in a positive way, ok?" For a moment Ziva seemed to think about Dr. Parker's words.

"I will try it, but I don't quite know what I could do." She replied honestly and she knew that it would be a difficult task for her.  
"Maybe Tony can help you to find something that calms you down. You should try to voice those feelings whenever they come up, it's important for your recovery." To ease the situation she shot her a small smile and waited a moment until Ziva had sorted her thoughts once more.

"Ok. Thank you Dr. Parker." With that their conversation was over and Ziva felt partly relieved and emotionally drained at the same time.  
They both knew that it would take her some time to process everything they talked about but Tony was confident that they would get through this as well.  
They would take one step at a time, because really, this was the only way they could go.

* * *

**_Don't forget to leave a review with your thoughts on this chapter!_**


	10. Chapter 10

**Here we go with a new chapter & I really hope you like it. I think writing this brought some peace to me, maybe because I quite liked the last part of it.  
Anyway, enjoy reading!**

* * *

_"__In one of those stars I shall be living. In one of them I shall be laughing. And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing, when you look at the sky at night. And when your sorrow is comforted (time soothes all sorrows) you will be content that you have known me. You will always be my friend...I shall not leave you."_

― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

* * *

Right after the appointment Tony suggested to go grocery shopping since they were slowly but surely running out of food.  
Ziva had reluctantly agreed and now they were standing in one of the aisles discussing what they would need for the next week.  
"What about lasagna for dinner today?" Tony now asked her after already putting some essentials into their cart.

"Sounds good." She simply replied but he could tell that her heart wasn't quite in it.  
Ever since they had entered the store she had seemed distant and let him make the choices but he knew he had to involve her into the decisions.  
"Hey, look at me Ziva. We can cook anything you like, but you have to eat something." His tone gave away that this wasn't something to discuss and when she didn't respond he began looking for the ingredients for their dinner.

"I think I would like some salad as well." Ziva finally spoke up again after some moments and shot him an almost insecure look.  
"Well then, salad it is." He now replied with a smile on his lips and with that they went over to the fruit and vegetable section.  
Half an hour later they had paid for their purchases and were on their way home to make dinner.

Once back in the apartment they started packing away the food in silence.  
"How about you prepare the salad and I make the lasagna?" Again he was the one to take the initiative, trying to involve her and lighten up the mood a little.  
She thoughtfully bit her lower lip and nodded in reply at which he smiled at her.

"You have to know that I make the best lasagna thanks to my great grandma's special recipe." He boasted and it finally elicited a smile from Ziva as she shook her head at his child-like behaviour.  
"Of course Tony. But you should let me taste it on my own first." She slightly teased him and the air around them didn't seem that heavy anymore.

Tony served dinner some time later and sat down facing her as he started eating.  
Ziva however was reluctant again and barely ate anything of the lasagna in front of her.  
"That bad?" He jokingly asked her as she picked on her food.  
Not wanting him to draw wrong conclusions she quickly shook her head.

"I am just not really hungry." Tony however would have none of it and turned to look at her seriously.  
"Please eat something Zi, your body needs it." He pleaded. It was only now that he realized how thin she had gotten throughout the past weeks.  
Of course she had always been more of a small person but she had always looked healthy and he had loved the curves that were gone now.

"Listen, I know it is hard, but I'm here to help you and you really need to take care of yourself." His words seemed to get through to her and she slowly started eating again.  
A few bites later she spoke up with tears already pooling in her eyes. "I really want to eat, it's just not easy." She almost whispered.

The day had been hard on her and it made eating even harder since she was both emotional and physical drained.  
Sensing that she had to let go of her negative emotions first he stood up and walked over to her to pull her into a hug.  
"Hey, it's alright, I just need to know that you're trying to eat something." He gently murmured into her ear.

"Do you want to talk? Come on let us relax a little, we can finish dinner later." By now the tears were silently trickling down her cheeks and she willingly followed Tony to the couch and easily melted into his chest to let him comfort her.  
Once she had calmed down a little she quietly spoke up again.

"You know, my father always made us eat up everything on our plates, no matter if we liked it or not. Tali would often start to cry when she was younger and so I would try to eat some of her meal as well." She had problems bringing those words out because she would take a shaky breath ever so often.

"I won't force you to eat Ziva, trust me. I just want you to see how important it is." He softly told her as her body began to tremble slightly.  
"Now let's do something positive, alright? What would help you right now?" Dr. Parker's advice was still on his mind and he would try everything to get her mind off things for a while.  
For a moment Ziva seemed hesitant to voice her thoughts but after a reassuring smile from Tony she found the courage to tell him about it.

"Could you maybe read something to me? I think that would help a little." She blushed slightly at her request but Tony remained serious and nodded at her wish.  
"Of course sweet cheeks, if that is what helps you. What book would you like me to read?" At this Ziva slowly made her way over to her bookshelf and started looking for a book.  
Her fingers soon stopped their search as she pulled out a worn out book and walked back to the couch to hand it to Tony.

"The little prince." He read the title and inspected the book he now held.  
"Tali and I loved it as children. It is actually one of the only things I have left from my old life." She smiled gently at the rare fond memory she had.

Before opening the book he pulled at the blanket that was lying on the back of the couch and tenderly draped it over them and slightly tucked her in.  
Ziva instinctively shuffled closer, rested her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes as soon as his words started to lull her in, taking her into another world, where for at least a moment she could be carefree and content.

* * *

**So how was that? Anyone noticed the relation between the quote and this chapter? ;)  
Don't forget to leave a review!**


	11. Chapter 11

**I didn't think I would update this soon, but here we are with a new chapter already! I'm currently more in the mood to write on this story & I really hope this is ok with you!  
I'm also curious what you think about this chapter since I'm currently trying to improve my writing skills/vocabulary!  
Thank you for the encouraging reviews so far & make sure to leave one again, but for now: Enjoy reading!**

* * *

_There are a hundred things she has tried to chase away the things she won't remember and that she can't even let herself think about because that's when the birds scream and the worms crawl and somewhere in her mind it's always raining a slow and endless drizzle._

- Neil Gaiman

* * *

A few days later Tony had received a call from Gibbs and was told to come to the headquarters for a briefing. He wanted to know how Ziva was doing and talk to him about the plan for the next few weeks.  
In the morning Ziva seemed to be a little absentminded but assured Tony that she was going to be fine and with that he left to meet Gibbs, telling her that she could call him at any time.

When he arrived at NCIS it suddenly started raining and he quickly made his way inside the building, hoping it would stop raining before he had to leave again.  
The ding of the elevator announced his arrival and Gibbs acknowledged his presence by a simple nod of his head and when he stood up from his desk he motioned Tony to follow him.

At the same time Ziva was still sitting at home with a bad feeling rising inside of her. She hadn't really been alone since the incident at the hospital and Tony's absence somehow made her feel uncomfortable and even a little nervous.

Without his presence she was left to her thoughts about the past days and weeks. She came to realize how much she truly depended on him and couldn't help but wonder how she would ever be able to let go off him again once she felt better.  
It wasn't fair to him to carry the burden of her problems as well and she felt selfish for relying so much on him but at the same time she wondered why he was caring for her so much.

The thoughts kept coming and coming and her situation seemed just so hopeless at the moment and all of a sudden she couldn't stand staying in her apartment anymore and felt the urge to run away, no matter where.  
Not paying attention to the weather outside she simply got into her shoes and didn't mind putting a jacket over her long sleeved shirt.

She also didn't care when the pouring rain immediately soaked her hair and clothes and just started running off wherever her feet would take her.  
She arrived at the nearby part soon thought and after a few more minutes of running through it came to rest on a bench where she tried to catch her breath.  
As the exhaustion kicked in and she started freezing she finally let the tears fall down her cheeks.

* * *

Tony came back home around half an hour later and called out for her expecting for her to answer him.  
When after the third call there still wasn't a reply he began wandering through the apartment, hoping he would find her fast asleep on the couch or in the bedroom.

His hopes were shattered though when he was greeted with one empty room after another and so he decided on trying to calling her.  
The attempt fell on deaf ears though when he heard her phone ring in the living room.

For a moment he considered his options but decided against calling Gibbs in order to not unsettle him as well.  
Instead he grabbed his keys and an umbrella and made his way to the door again and ran towards his car to begin his search for her.  
He began his search in the neighbourhood, checking out cafes ever so often until the realization hit him. "_The park._" He whispered and came to a stop to look for her at the park.

It only took him a few more minutes until he saw a small figure cowering on the bench while it was still heavily raining.  
He quickly crossed the distance between them and when he pulled her into a tight hug a feeling of relief filled him.

"Oh Ziva." He brought out under his breath and it was only now that he realized that she was shivering and her lips were already blue from the cold.  
"What are you doing here?" At this Ziva looked at him but was unable to form a coherent answer.  
Not caring about an eventual protest he scooped her up into his arms and started to carry her away towards the car, knowing full well that she had no energy left to walk on her own.  
- - - - - - - - - - - -

As soon as he had her seated on the passenger seat he reached for the blanket in the back of his car and wrapped it around her in an attempt to warm her still shaking body.

After buckling her seatbelt he made his way over to the drivers seat and on his way back to the apartment called Ducky to ask him if he could check on Ziva.  
He willingly agreed and promised to be there within the next 30 minutes without asking any further questions.

When they came back home he shuffled her to the couch and looked at her intently with worries edging his features.  
"Hey" He now gently spoke up. "We should get you out of those wet clothes, alright?" She looked at him with a lost look in her eyes but deep down knew that he was right about it.

"Wait, I will get you something dry to put on." With that he left for the bedroom and came back moments later with one of her sweatpants, a warm sweater from his own collection and a towel to dry her hair.  
"I'm going to help you a little, ok? It's just me, don't worry." He tried to soothe her, hoping she would trust him enough to let him assist her.

Together they managed to get her dressed in dry clothes and now he was tenderly drying her wet curls while she was softly leaning against his chest, still trembling slightly despite the fact that Tony had turned the heating on.

They were interrupted though when Ducky arrived. Tony greeted him in the hallway and quietly described him the situation and a knowing nod from him told him that he understood the situation well enough.  
"Hello my dear" Ducky greeted her in his typical manner and approached the couch to sit down next to her.  
Ziva seemed to snap out of her thoughts and shot him an ever so small smile when she noticed her friend sitting next to her.

"I'm here to make sure that you didn't catch a cold or anything else. The weather today is rather displeasing, isn't it?" He tried to lighten the situation as he started examining Ziva, thoroughly checking her vitals to see if there were any signs for something more serious.

"Well" He spoke up after a moment "it seems like you're still slightly hypothermic and might develop a cold throughout the next days, but that's nothing a warm blanket and tea couldn't cure." His smile was comforting both Tony and Ziva and they were glad that nothing serious had happened.

"Thanks Ducky." Tony brought out and even though he didn't say much his words were sincere.

"Nothing to thank for my dear boy. And I'm sure you will take good care of our Ziva." Tony nodded in reply and Ducky said his goodbye and with that gave the two of them time to talk about the latest events.

* * *

**PS: This chapter is partially inspired by our current weather - it's raining, no pouring and storming non-stop and even though I don't mind rain it's slowly starting to annoy me!**


	12. Chapter 12

**Ok, so here's a smaller chapter that didn't turn out as planned since the inspiration hit me. And even though it's smaller it's nevertheless quite important & fluffy, instead of the angsty chapter I had planned out! Enjoy reading!**

* * *

_"__I'm here. I love you. I don't care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you. There's nothing you can ever do to lose my love. I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you. I am stronger than Depression and I am braver than Loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me."_

― Elizabeth Gilbert

* * *

"Hey." Tony softly spoke up as soon as Ducky had left the apartment, hoping she would talk about what was going on inside of her.  
"Care to tell me what happened?" She was still avoiding his gaze and that's when he put a finger underneath her chin, willing her to look at him.

"It was nothing, really." She stuttered but from his look she could tell that he did not believe her.  
Moments of silence passed before she finally spoke up again.  
"Why are you caring about me?" Her voice was barely above a whisper but he nevertheless clearly understood her.  
For a second Tony was taken by surprise at her question and he had to think about it before actually replying.

"Because Ziva," He started "because you are my partner, my friend. I have your back and" A shaky breath interrupted his sentence "and you mean a lot to me. That's why I care about you."  
At this Ziva was left speechless, not expecting for him to open his heart towards her.

"Is this the reason why you ran away?" He asked after another moment.  
"I just do not want to burden you Tony and yet you are still here. I cannot continue to depend on you this much, it just feels…wrong." She gulped, still not quite over his previous confession.

"No Ziva. I'm here for you because I _want_ to. I'm here because this is where I'm supposed to be." And with that she couldn't question him anymore. He had simply washed away her doubts and even though he hadn't said it she just knew there was more to his words.

By now their foreheads were almost touching and the warmth radiating off his body was finally beginning to warm her still cool skin but neither of them dared to inch closer, they just knew it wasn't the right moment, not now when Ziva was still so vulnerable.

It was up to Tony to ease the situation and that's when he almost whispered "Do you know what made me feel better when I was younger?" Once again taken aback by his question she looked up at him and wondered what he was about to tell her.  
"A blanket fort." He now smiled at her, waiting for her reaction.

At first she shot him an almost incredulous look but seeing the delight in his eyes she couldn't help but smile as well.  
"Seriously Tony, a blanket fort?" She now slightly teased him.

"Yeah, it will be great, trust me. You just sit down on the couch and I'll arrange everything, ok?" He was about to start when Ziva interrupted him.  
"No, let me help you, ok?" It came almost reluctant, childlike and he couldn't help but shot her a grin.  
With that they started working on their blanket fort around the couch and once they were done they stood in front of it in awe.

"What are we going to do now?" Ziva asked, already feeling a little better and definitely warmer by now.  
"How about a nice hot chocolate and a movie?" He suggested and she merely nodded in reply.

Tony quickly made his way to the kitchen and started on the hot chocolate and shuffled through the cupboards to find some snacks as well while it was up to Ziva to pick a movie to watch.

Once they were both done with their task they crawled into their fort where they had a good view on the tv in front of them.  
"I have to admit that it is really comfy inside of the fort." She shot him a small, almost shy smile.  
"Nothing beats a good old blanket fort and a movie." Tony smirked and with that started to play the movie.

Not soon after Ziva leaned her head on his shoulder and shuffled closer until here whole body was leaning against his.  
Tony absentmindedly started stroking her hair and occasionally also the side of her face, something that brought a sense of comfort to her, a moment she would definitely treasure inside her heart.  
Yes, Tony was really a great friend, and possibly even a little more.

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**Now how was that for fluff? ;)  
Don't forget to leave a review & on this way also thanks for your last reviews!**


	13. Chapter 13

**Three chapters in three days, isn't this amazing? I have to warn you in advance that this is another angsty chapter and might be slightly triggering, but I'm proud of my work because I think this chapter is rather deep.  
Also thank you for your amazing reviews! I'm glad you like the story so far and the quotes as well. I actually put much thoughts into choosing them & sometimes it takes up to an hour to find the perfect one!  
About one review in particular: I got that Despicable me quote and I love this movie!  
But now enjoy reading and don't forget to review again!**

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_"__I suddenly realized. The zebra. It is not something outside of us. The zebra is something inside of us. Our fears. Our own self-destructive nature. The zebra is the worst part of us when we are face-to-face with our worst times. The demon is us!"_

― Garth Stein

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It wasn't until a few days later that the next flashbacks hit her after thinking that things were slowly getting better.  
The trigger had been small, but the reaction had been strong. As soon as the words had left Tony's mouth she ran towards the bathroom and slammed the door behind her.  
- - - - - - - -

_"__Your body is a weapon Ziva and you should be old enough to understand this." She was standing in her father's office, her head bent, her shoulders drawn in.  
"I trust you with this mission, do not disappoint me." He had told her with a voice as cold as ice.  
She had only been 16 when he directed those words towards her and she knew she would have to comply. _

_At this time she was already indifferent to most situations in her life, but what he demanded from her was almost too much.  
She didn't have a choice though, did she? _

_It hurt her that her father was merely seeing her as a weapon, not as a daughter as it was supposed to be.  
"Yes abba." She had replied meekly and with that she got ready for the first time she would use her body to get the information her father wanted._

Tony shot up as soon as he saw her running towards the bathroom, coming up straight behind her.  
He tried to grab her wrists but as soon as she got hold of her she wriggled out of his hold and with that slammed the door of the bathroom right in front of him.  
For a brief moment Tony had to compose himself and take a deep breath before entering the bathroom as well.

"No Ziva." He almost whispered, but the anger in his voice made it sound louder than he intended to.  
In this moment he just felt so helpless as she started retching right in front of him, not caring that he was in the same room.

"Please Ziva, _please_." His voice was filled with anguish as he knelt down next to her and started stroking her back.  
He couldn't stand seeing her like this, seeing her destructing herself. It was just so wrong and she shouldn't deal with her emotions like this.

Trying to calm her down he kept rubbing her back but at the same time the irrational thoughts kept racing through his mind.  
Deep down he knew it was not her fault, but there was something else inside of him that practically screamed that she should just stop, that she should grow up and deal with everything properly.

It really was a battle inside of him and he didn't even realize when a few tears started to make their way down his face.  
They were angry tears, sad tears and tears showing that he was disappointed. Disappointed that he couldn't stop her from destroying herself.

A few minutes later she had completely emptied her stomach and sunk back against the cold tiles, exhausted from all the retching.  
It was only then that she saw the slight tear streaks on his face and the mere sight of them made her break down anew.

"I am sorry Tony." She brought out between the sobs rising from her throat.  
"No Ziva." The pain was still evident in his words. "You can't keep doing this."  
He knew what he was doing was wrong but he really couldn't help it at this very moment.

"I do not know what else to do." She avoided his gaze by looking down while the tears continually streamed down her cheeks no matter how hard she tried to hold them back.

When he looked at her tiny, shaking frame, huddled against the wall he knew it was a mistake to let out his anger and desperation in front of her.  
"I'm sorry Zi, I did not mean to upset you." He softly spoke up and tried to cradle her into his embrace.

At first she tried to fight him off, her fists weakly punching against his chest but after a moment she stopped struggling and relaxed into his arms and started sobbing more violently.  
"Oh Zi, I know it is hard. But we can get through this, together." He soothed her, knowing she would need some time to calm down.

As soon as he felt her body stop trembling he gently lifted her up from the cold floor and scooped her up into his arms to carry her to the couch.  
Carefully setting her down on it he sat down next to her and pulled her into his embrace once more.  
"You want to talk about it?" He quietly whispered into her ear.

"My father always told me that my body was nothing more than a weapon. He made me use it to get the information he wanted. I was only 16." Her voice was so small that he had to listen intently to understand her words.  
"The first time…it just hurt so much." With that she started sobbing again, hot tears trailing down her cheeks anew.

Tony couldn't quite believe what he had just heard. Of course he had known about the methods they used at Mossad but this was just _too_ much for him to bear.  
How could a father force his own daughter to have sex with a stranger to get information? How could he do this to an innocent child?

"Oh Zi." Once again he was rendered speechless but he knew he had to say something, anything.  
"Your body is so much more than just a weapon. _You _are so much more than a weapon." He stopped for a brief moment. "You are a wonderful person Ziva, you are _loved_." His words finally started to calm her down and she was once again overwhelmed by his words.

"Thank you Tony." She finally whispered and he simply pulled her a little tighter in respond.  
"Nothing to thank for sweet cheeks, nothing to thank for." He murmured and it was true because he would do anything for her to make her feel better.

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**One more thing: When you leave a review (*hint hint*) you can also insert your wishes for upcoming chapters. Just tell me what you want to see/read in the future!**

**PS: Tell me when you get tired of the sappy ends ;)**


	14. Chapter 14

**Alright this is another smaller chapter but will probably lead up to a longer chapter again. Let's call this an "explanatory" chapter and with that you can go straight to reading!**

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_"__Eating was hard. Breathing was hard. Living was hardest."_

― Laurie Halse Anderson

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On Friday she had her next appointment with Dr. Parker and got the chance to process her latest flashback and the emotions it had brought up in her.

They were about halfway through the session when Lauren spoke up after a moment of silence.  
"Ziva, may I ask you about your eating habits lately? Have the flashbacks influenced them in any way?" Right when Ziva and Tony had entered her office she had noticed how thin she had gotten throughout the past weeks and was worried that she wasn't eating properly.

The concerned look in Tony's eyes confirmed her suspicions even before Ziva had the chance to answer.  
"It is not so easy at the moment." She now replied while looking down and fidgeting with her fingers to avoid eye contact with either of them.

"What exactly does that mean?" Lauren now dug deeper knowing this conversation was way past her comfort zone.  
"I am not really hungry and sometimes I…" Ziva trailed off and Tony sensing her discomfort finished the sentence for her.

"She's been throwing up several times lately. Mostly when she had a flashback or felt overwhelmed." Tony was clearly worried about her behaviour and shot Dr. Parker an almost pleading look.  
"Ziva?" She now addressed her again before continuing. "Would it be ok if I weigh you now?"

Ziva was reluctant but finally agreed on stepping onto the scale all the while not able to look at the numbers on the display.  
Lauren on the other hand noted the number in her file and together they sat back down where Tony was still waiting.

"Do you know your height?" Her voice was now more business-like as she tried to figure out how bad it really was.  
"Uhm, I think I'm around 5'7." She quietly replied as her fingers nervously fidgeted with the hem of her shirt. Tony noticed this and gently took one of her hands in his in order to soothe her a little.  
After a few moments Lauren spoke up again with a serious look in her eyes.

"According to the scale you only weigh around 115 lbs which is extremely low considering your height. Additional you show clear signs of malnourishment." She let the news sink in for a moment.  
"We really need to work on this Ziva; there are many risks for your health in this state." Lauren paused for a brief moment.

"Underweight and malnourished persons are more likely to feel tired and exhausted and you can faint at any time. Your entire body will change and women sometimes even suffer from infertility."  
And with that she was hit with the hard reality. She hadn't intended to risk her health like that and yet she couldn't stop herself from doing it.

"I should have made her eat more." Tony now sighed as a sense of guilt washed over him.  
"None of this is your fault Tony." Lauren now reassured him. "The reasons for her eating habits are different ones and we will have to work on a plan to make sure her body gets the nutrients it needs. Because if it keeps going like this I will have to admit you to the hospital."  
As soon as Ziva heard those words she started crying silently, the tears relentlessly streaming down her cheeks.

She hated hospitals and didn't think it would come to this but now she had to face the consequences and she was seemingly overwhelmed.

"Please no hospital, please." She now pleaded and Tony understood her since they shared their hate for them.  
"Oh hey, neither of us wants to see you at the hospital, but Lauren is right we need to do something." Tony softly whispered and brushed away the tears from her damp cheeks.

"It is important that you eat three meals a day Ziva. You can start off with small portions but the routine is important for your recovery. I know it might be difficult in the beginning but I'm sure Tony is going to help you to keep track of it, right?" Lauren nodded towards him.

"Do you think you can do this Zi?" They both waited for a reply while Ziva composed herself.  
"I think I can do this." An ever so small smile played on her lips and she took a shaky breath as she looked at Lauren and Tony.

"Alright, I think it's enough if you come back next Friday. That will give you some time to adjust to the changes and we can talk about your progress in a week, ok?" Lauren smiled at her.  
Both Tony and Ziva now nodded and said their goodbyes before heading out into the fresh autumn air with both of their minds racing.

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**Thanks again for your reviews & don't forget to leave one under this chapter as well (maybe including some ideas/wishes?)  
As to why I use "Zi" as a nickname: I would call it artistic freedom, don't forget this is fiction after all ;)  
And don't worry there will be some lighter chapters in the future (come at me with your ideas *cough cough*)!**


	15. Chapter 15

**This chapter turned out to be rather long, but well, I promised you a longer chapter & here it is! I shouldn't mention that it's almost 3 am by now though *sigh*  
I really hope you like this chapter, I know it's kind of serious stuff but I felt the need to write this, so yeah.  
Enjoy this chapter and don't forget to review!**

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_"I always wonder about raindrops.  
I wonder about how they're always falling down, tripping over their own feet, breaking their legs and forgetting their parachutes as they tumble right out of the sky toward an uncertain end.  
It's like someone is emptying their pockets over the earth and doesn't seem to care where the contents fall, doesn't seem to care that the raindrops burst when they hit the ground, that they shatter when they fall to the floor, that people curse the days the drops dare to tap on their doors.  
I am a raindrop."_

— Tahereh Mafi

They were already settling down for the night when a thunderstorm started roaring outside their bedroom window.  
It started out with the soft but persistent pitter patter of the rain against the window and the cars but when Ziva had finally been able to fall asleep turned into heavy thunder and lightning which went unnoticed by Tony.

It was only until Ziva was awoken from the storm raging outside that he stirred as well and suddenly jolted awake at what was going on.  
Ziva was still lying in his embrace but was shivering and trembling while her breathing was labored.

With every lightning that was crashing down outside she was flinching, making him worry even more.  
"Hey, hey Zi, what is wrong?" He tenderly stroked her hair as he whispered into her ear.  
"I just…" She started, her breath hitching when yet another thunder was heard "I do not like thunderstorms."

It was only now that he noticed how cold her entire body was and instinctively pulled her closer and let her rest on his chest.  
Once she was settled again he carefully tucked her in and softly started running his fingers up and down her arm.

"What can I do to make it better?" Ziva let out a sigh at his question and reluctantly replied.  
"Tell me something. Anything." She whispered as she snuggled further into his embrace.  
And with that he started telling her about stories about his time in Baltimore until her breath finally evened out again.

The next morning Ziva was up early and decided to go out for a run. The weather had calmed down over night and there were only a few wet patches left on the asphalt.  
She quietly stepped into her running clothing and when the cold air hit her face she took a deep breath and started running down the street.

The burning sensation she felt with every step she took in her lungs made her mind stop racing for a moment, something she definitely enjoyed.  
Around half an hour later she had made her way home again and it was still early when she entered the apartment, gasping for air after her last sprint.

Her head started spinning slightly and she made her way into the kitchen to have a glass of water in the hope the nasty feeling would go away.  
But as soon she had poured herself a glass of water the dizzy feeling overcame her anew and she failed gripping the counter as she dropped onto the kitchen floor, the glass slipping from her hand and shattering next to her as she hit the ground.

For the second time in less than 12 hours Tony jolted awake from the sudden noise in the apartment.  
Recognizing that Ziva wasn't lying next to him anymore she pulled back the covers and started looking where the shattering sound had come from.

He entered the kitchen a few moments later and was greeted by a picture of horror.  
Ziva was unconsciously lying on the cold floor, broken pieces of glass cluttered around her.  
Without hesitation he closed the gap between them and bent down on her level to gently shake her.

"Ziva? Ziva, can you hear me?" The tone in his voice was desperate.  
"You need to wake up Ziva." He pleaded while checking her pulse. It was steady but faint and he noticed how cold her skin was.

Doing what seemed right he carefully lifted her up into his arms and carried her onto the couch where he covered her with a blanket.  
Not knowing what to do he grabbed his phone and called Ducky, knowing that his friend would be able to help him.

"Ducky? It's Tony. I need your help, it's Ziva. I woke up when I heard something shattering and found her unconsciously lying in the kitchen." He frantically told him and only calmed down after some instructions and the promise that he would be at the apartment in less than 15 minutes.  
For the first time he noticed that Ziva was wearing her running clothes and wondered if this was the reason for her breakdown.

Staying true to his words Ducky arrived around 15 minutes later and went straight to the couch to check on Ziva.  
Her pulse started to grow stronger again and when she began to stir Ducky ordered Tony to get a glass of water for when she woke up again.

Once he had set down the glass on the table he knelt down next to the couch and gently stroked her hair in an attempt to finally wake her up again.  
Soon enough she started mumbling incoherently and squinting her eyes before looking into the direction where the voice came from.

When she saw Tony next to her she saw the worried expression on his face and took a shuddering breath before speaking up.  
"What…what happened?" She weakly asked.  
"I found you unconsciously lying in the kitchen with glass all around you. God, I was so worried." He now took her still cold hands in his and started warming them.

"Have you eaten enough throughout the past days my dear?" Ducky now asked her, trying to get to the bottom of things.  
At this Ziva slightly looked down and started nervously squeezing Tony's hand.  
"Not quite." She whispered, her voice hoarse.

"Well that would explain a lot. Your body is deprived of nutrients and probably fluids as well and your body simply wasn't strong enough for a workout." He explained in a serious but caring voice.  
"I recommend you to take it slow and eat and drink enough so that your body can recover from this shock." Tony nodded at his words and squeezed Ziva's hand as well.

"You gave us quite a shock my dear, but I hope you will feel better soon." Ducky now smiled at her and softly padded her shoulder.  
"Thank you Ducky." Ziva quietly said and returned his smile, even though hers was much smaller.  
"Nothing to thank for, but I think I will leave now to let you rest a little. I got the feeling that Tony will have this under control." With one last smile he said his goodbyes and left again.

"Oh Zi, never do this to me anymore. I was scared to death." Tony voiced his fears.  
"I'm sorry Tony. I just needed to clear my head." Ziva quietly replied, guilt washing over her.

"I'm just glad you're ok now. How about we lie down in bed again and try to sleep a little more?" A glance at the clock told him it was only around 8:30 am and to be honest he was still a little tired, especially after this shock.

When she nodded he nimbly lifted her off the couch and instead of struggling against his touch she leaned into his chest and let him carry her into the bedroom.  
Her body was weak after all and she welcomed the warmth that was radiating off his chest.

Once they were both settled under the covers anew she immediately curled up next to him, her head resting right above his heart.  
The sound of his steady heartbeat slowly calmed her down and lulled her in as he pulled her just a little closer to warm her still cold body and with that she drifted off to sleep once more.

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**Now how do you feel about this? You can as usual send me your thoughts, ideas & wishes!  
Have I mentioned that your reviews always make my day? Like literally, I put so much work and thoughts into my stories and it's nice to receive a feedback!  
Also: I just had to write this small "thunderstorm" scene. I personally didn't like them when I was younger but grew to love them through the years. There's something comforting about them I think!**


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